Hey Guys, this article appeared in the latest Crown issue and was quite funny because it is so true. So here it is for everyone to read.

"I read through the Student Handbook today, and it wasn't without excitement. I couldn't help feeling somewhat adventurous, since I'm fairly sure I'm one of the first people, after the authors, to actually read the thing.

Yes, I know we've all 'signed' and 'agreed to live by' the Code of Conduct, but a recent Crown poll of a couple students (accurate once or twice out of twenty occasions) revealed that, by some administrative glitch, a large portion of the student body is unable to tell the difference between their Student Handbook and 'that page in the Spec with Foxtrot and the crossword.'

Obviously, this means the gap between the Handbook and reality is growing wider every day. Fortunately, a second informal Crown poll of anonymous administrators revealed exactly how the dusty volume will be updated in an upcoming proposal. Features of the formal amendments include:

VISITATION: Opposite-sex guests are required to vacate dorms by daybreak or, if The OC or euchre marathons are too intense to abandon, at least cover their eyes while residents stumble to the showers.

DERELICT VEHICLES: Students are not permitted to abandon broken vehicles on campus property. If, however, campus speed bumps are responsible for reducing student vehicles to worthless scrap heaps, the University will assume salvage costs.

TIMELINESS: Punctual class attendance is each student's responsibility. Campus clocks, by design, will never agree; students are to consider this a trial of perserverance.

INTERNET: Use of the Internet on campus, while occasionally possible, is strictly forbidden. Administrators work hard to shield students from the dangers of outside data, and any student caught thwarting their efforts will be blamed for the latest "virus" crippling campus computers.

FOOD STORE: Descending balances at The Market have been introduced to prevent students from wasting food; the wasting away of students' bodies to starvation enjoys no such protection. Students are encouraged to pursue hunting and foraging classes at Mohawk College.

SPORTS: Golf is not permitted on campus, due to the high risk of property damage. Students are invited to try alternative athletic pursuits, such as lawn bowling, clay shooting, and wild game hunting. Note that deer blinds in the back forty pose an unacceptable fire risk and that visiting soccer teams are not considered viable alternatives to expensive food store items.

PHOTOCOPYING: The "Copy Card" system has been designed to reduce the paper waste inherent in photocopying. Cards issued to students should be inoperable, as indicated by the blinking "Misread!!!" message. Students found to be operating campus photocopiers will be subjected to discipline from the Environmental Science department.

PARKING: Students are asked to understand the formidable cost of policing and rigorously maintaining campus roads and parking lots. As such, parking privileges will not be included in the five-digit tuition and housing costs. Students will retain the right not to purchase permits; however, persons found carrying their license plates with them will be forced to use the Kitty Murray entranceway to campus until their vehicles have been adequately disabled by the strategic room-sized potholes dug by the university under the generous roadway maintenance budget.

PETS: Only fish will be acceptable as pets for on-campus students. Students are invited to examine the broadest definitions of "fish," including the construction of room-sized aquariums in vacant bedrooms. Note that shark food will be included in descending food store balances - please plan accordingly.

RAIDS: Dorm raids are forbidden on Redeemer's campus. Practically, this means, "Don't get caught." Be forewarned that outright theft is easily traceable and that physical reconstruction of walls, doors, and furniture without proper planning can cause significant delays and quickly drive up the risk of computer in enemy territory. Disguises and soft-soled shoes can be borrowed from the Theatre Department.

DRINKING: Drinking is forbidden on Redeemer's campus. Practically, this means, "Don't get caught." Until such a time that Redeemer intelligentsia wins their argument for an on-campus pub, students should approach their Residence or Housing Advisor for tips on consuming stealthily and concealing the empties. The university is confident that students will drink responsibly, as excessive consumption and formidable tuition costs are generally incompatible.

Administrators are confident this new-look Handbook will not only drive up enrollment of excited high school students, but will also improve the quality of life of current on-campus students - in those rare moments when they are not duct-taping their decrepit dorms or pursuing three-day treks to and from their unfinished Kitty Murray houses."